What is happy

I’m surviving

I’m moving through life

My to do lists prepared

My thoughts focused

On what I must do next

I’m in control

I never let go

Every thought

Consumed with what’s next

What else can I cross off

What else can I accomplish

No time to stop

To take it all in

I keep going

The cog that never breaks

The one who keeps turning

The system must keep working

My edges are rounding

My grip slipping

I don’t know if I’m happy

What is happy?

Is it this life I keep living

Going to work, working at home

Repeat

Repeat

Repeat

I can’t break

I can’t break

I can’t break

I can’t break

I can’t break

I can’t break

Maybe I’m broken

I need to find happy

What is happy?

The sun on my face

The walk in the woods

The nature around me

The family I’ve created

The time I spend with them

What is this moment

How do I enjoy it

How do I shut down the list

How do I be now

How do I let the hurt go

Who am I without all the things to do

How do I stop trying to prove that I’m worth it

How do I know that people want me around

All I do is try to be who they want

To stop the rejection

I hold myself tight

Preparing to flee

To focus on what I can do

I’m not present

I’m not who I am

I am always someone else

I don’t know who I am

I only know what I am to everyone else

What do I want?

What is happy?

I wanted to call - for my father

I wanted to call

To tell you about the deer

At least a hundred of them

Scattered in bright green fields

Along the river bluffs

A springtime feast

They calmly lay

Feasting on tender new shoots

A dusk time gathering and sharing of stories

The hummingbirds, turkeys, and orioles

The goldfinches, chickadees, and cardinals

The squirrels, rabbits, and voles

They all gather

They drink from the bird baths and sup on the seeds

The vegetable scraps and the fruit that I share

I wanted to call

To share their beauty

Laugh at antics of the squirrels and rabbits

To tell you of all the turkeys, their babies

And the coyote we spooked

A million times, I wanted to call

Then I remember

We don’t talk anymore

And my heart broke just a bit more

Even though she’s protected

behind her wall of spikes, too sharp and dense for anyone new

She broke again

Every time I want to call

She breaks again

The memory of that day

Burned, twisted, and decayed

How you treated my son

After years of anger

At my husband and my choices

You took it out on my son

He’s not like you and it fueled your hatred

You won’t try to understand

Instead, you mutilated his hope

And his belief in himself

You made him small

Your job was to build him up

To love him, a grandfather

To teach him things I could not

But you tore him to shreds

Defeated his soul

I decided that day

Never again

It wasn’t the first time

But it was the last

I paid for my choice

I’ve let you go

I’ve lost my sisters

I’ve lost our family and our traditions

I tried to talk to you

To heal the hurt

And was met with rejection

Of any wrongdoing

Of course you didn’t do what you did

You never own up, or take responsibility

And so I moved on

And left part of me behind

For the sake of my son

And my own family, the family I chose

The health of our spirits

I cannot go back

I cannot call

I am an island, protecting my family

I broke the pattern, the family trauma

And paid with my heart

I cannot call

I refuse to call